Dean's Journey

I grew up in St Kilda. At Elwood Primary I enjoyed a very happy life and had lots of friends.

By the time I hit Year 7 and eight, though I knew there was something wrong because of other's reaction to me and my behavior. I always felt like I was on the outside, always by myself.

The only relief from this feeling of anxiety and confusion was when I played football. I was shy and withdrawn. I had trouble concentrating and slipped behind at school because I couldn't think clearly. I started to get bullied, and got into trouble all the time. I got teased because I was becoming paranoid and I seemed strange to others.

I left school when I was 15. I just wanted to get a job and get out into the world and get away from all the hassles.

I found the same hassles trying to get a job. I started hanging out with boys and girls who also didn't fit in. They were a bit rough. Because I was on the outside I mixed with others who were always on the outside.

Mum thought the best thing to do was to send me away to live with Dad in Brisbane. This was a really terrible time for me. Dad and I were at loggerheads and I still didn't know I had a problem.

I lived in Queensland for two years, but Dad's family moved back to Melbourne when I was 17. The paranoia started to get a lot worse. I lose all my friends and I didn't feel like playing football anymore.

The anxious and fearful state had become such a part of me that I could no longer tell the difference. I was so frightened at people looking at me.

Sometimes I would carry a knife around and would have very violent thoughts about killing people. I was suicidal because I was fed up with the paranoia and delusions. I was crying all the time and upset.

A psychiatrist sent me to a Royal Park live in-rehabilitation program where I lived for two years. It was like a prison. There were a lot of sick people there and we were not treated with compassion. I felt scared the whole time. I needed to sleep. I was exhausted, but they wouldn't let me sleep.

But I was around people going through the same thing as me. I had a routine, a structure and a function. My life had a purpose.

Eventually the psychiatrist told me that all the trouble I was having was because I had an illness called schizophrenia. He put me on medication to take the edge off things. The medication did the trick. I figured out how to use the services. I left the Royal Park program when I was 21.

I made new friends, joined in with the program along with other residents. I lived in a few group homes and learnt the ins and outs of this way of life, the way of life for people like me who have a mental illness.

I became a participant of Mentall Illness Fellowship Victoria when I was about 24. I moved to Rossdale in Alma Road where I lived for about 16 years.

At Rossdale, or Rossie as we called it, I was part of a group. I had somewhere to sleep and had friends. I loved Rossie. I would go to karaoke with Tom on Friday nights and hung around Rossdale most of the day and chatted to staff and other residents. I wasn't very independent. I guess I was a bit withdrawn and not really motivated to do thing on my own. I wasn;t confident and pretty much kept to myself. The old building was not all that pretty or welcoming. For the last few years I lived upstairs in Flat D with Tom and Peter.

My world changed when I was asked by Mi Fellowship if I would like to move into more independent living. I said YES! So before long, as part of the Opening Doors Program, I moved into a lovely little house in Armadale, with just one person. I was relieved, excited and scared all at the same time. When I moved in there, my whole life changed for the better.

This is how it is... I have the support of Mi Fellowship, but I have gained some independence. I am finally living a life on my own in my own way. I feel so blessed with this opportunity. And I can proudly say that I have grown enormously.

It's a good, amazing feeling. I feel that I am treated with great respect from everyone in my present life. I have choices. I make my own decisions. I am finally living as a normal adult. Someone with a valuable life, living in the real world. I am part of the community.

Finally I can say, I AM MY OWN BOSS.